Sex, drugs and … Guinness?

Nobody loves a drink more than the Irish — except, perhaps, unruly New Yorkers when they’re celebrating St. Patrick’s Day.

Big Apple bartenders brace for drunken debauchery every March 17 when crowds cram into Irish establishments to mark the occasion with a pint or 10.

This year, Paddy’s Day falls on a Tuesday, meaning there will likely be a wild weekend of drinking in the lead-up to the main event.

Ahead of the Emerald Isle’s most popular holiday, The Post sat down — and drank up — with several bartenders brave enough to share the most outlandish things they’ve witnessed at Irish establishments over the years.

From brazen bathroom sex to a thieving woman dressed as a lecherous leprechaun, some of the regaled tales sound too crazy to be true.

But as bartender Cormac Blaney told The Post: “It’s all good craic.”

Infidelity, fights and frisk

Blaney is just 30 years old and has only been living in New York City for seven years, but he’s already seen his fair share of bawdy behavior inside the Big Apple’s Irish bars.

“It just goes over your head at this point,” the unfazed Irishman told The Post.

“There’s a lot of drugs,” he stated. “I mean, people are drinking from 8 a.m. the whole way through, but not many people can do that without any help [from illicit substances].”

While it’s not unusual to see intoxicated patrons puking on the floor, Blaney says revelers have been known to relieve themselves in front of stunned crowds.

“I’ve seen people pissing against the bar,” he nonchalantly noted, before adding that he’s also seen the occasional dust-up.

The pint pourer says the wildest fight he’s witnessed took place between two burly brothers, each of whom stood at about 6-foot-5.

“They were animals,” he recalled. “There were three of us holding each of the brothers back, and they were still getting the better of us … They were just f–king machines.”

Meanwhile, other patrons prefer to make love, not war.

“People take off their wedding rings and engagement rings at the bar,” Blaney said, claiming brazen cheaters are par for the course when serving drinks.

However, some pervy patrons can’t wait to get frisky and head into the bar’s bathrooms for sex in the stalls.

Blaney claims one romp was so wild that the intoxicated lovemakers did serious damage to the stall’s door, breaking it completely off its hinges.

But it’s not only customers who are using the bathrooms to bonk.

Bartender Emily Loughran, 29, says she was working at one unidentified “Irish dive bar” when her male co-worker wooed a pretty woman with his accent.

“The Irish accent goes a long way,” Loughran dished, saying her kinky colleague disappeared downstairs to the bathroom with the woman shortly after, leaving her to serve drinks solo.

Talk about the luck of the Irish.

Today, both Blaney and Loughran work at Langan’s — an upmarket Irish establishment that recently re-opened after a ritzy remodel.

The buzzy bar — which serves as The Post’s very own watering hole — is expecting a big crowd on Monday, given that it’s located just two blocks west of the St. Patrick’s Day parade route.

But Blaney and Loughran expect the crowd will be well-behaved.

“It’s on the quiet nights that the craziest things happen,” Blaney declared.

Hold on to your hat … and your tie … and your watch

Peter McManus Cafe is one of the oldest Irish bars in New York City, first opening in Chelsea back in 1936.

“If these walls could talk,” current owner Justin McManus told The Post, gesturing around the cozy, wood-panelled pub that was owned by his great-grandfather nearly a century ago.

The establishment has seen hundreds of bartenders come and go, but Lawrence Jansen has been a mainstay since 2003.

“St. Patrick’s Day is definitely our busiest day of the year,” the 47-year-old pint pourer proclaimed. “It’s wild — it’s just a free-for-all, really — but everyone has a good time. It’s always been great.”

NYC bars, delis dealing with sky-high corned beef prices ahead of St. Patrick’s Day

Jansen shared his favorite story with The Post, saying a sentimental item was unexpectedly returned to him one St. Patrick’s Day — something he described as “a miracle.”

The bartender and actor had borrowed a “beautiful mint green tie” from a friend for a Paddy’s Day shift about 15 years ago.

“I met a young lady, and we ended up popping in the kitchen for a minute, maybe kissing a little — you know, kiss of the Irish — and she was playing with my tie,” Jansen reminisced. “All of a sudden, she disappeared. Then I realize that she had left with my friend’s tie.”

Jansen soon learned that the item originally belonged to his friend’s late grandfather and was a much-treasured heirloom.

The panicked barman scoured thrift stores in multiple boroughs in the hopes of finding the special tie — to no avail.

“Flash forward two years later, I’m working at the bar on a St. Paddy’s Day midday shift,” Jansen stated. “It’s about seven deep. The place is crazy and all of a sudden through the crowd, I see this face. It’s the girl; she pops up. She goes, ‘Hey, I never gave you back your tie,’ and she hands me the green tie. I look up and she’s gone.”

The “miracle” is a teachable moment for Jansen, who implores patrons to pay attention to their beloved belongings.

Jansen says that on one Paddy’s Day, a pint-sized female thief who was dressed as a leprechaun left the bar with a man’s pricey watch after seducing him in one of the Peter McManus phone booths.

Jansen said he spotted the pair getting hot and heavy, only for the man to show up the next day, saying his timepiece had disappeared.

Prank-playing patrons

The Pig N’ Whistle in Midtown Manhattan has been open since the 1960s, and co-owner Eugene Wilson has been at the establishment since 1984.

The Irish native, who arrived in the US in 1980, says the Paddy’s Days of yesteryear were often wild.

One year, an inebriated woman tried flushing a t-shirt down the toilet, causing an overflow of water that spilled out into the main bar.

However, his favorite St. Patrick’s Day tale involves a fake “immigration raid” conducted by a prank-playing patron.

Wilson, 58, told The Post that an actual immigration official had popped into the bar for a beer, only to step outside and leave his work jacket behind.

Another customer quickly grabbed the garment and put it on before bursting into the kitchen to conduct a pretend raid.

“It certainly put the wind up everyone,” Wilson recalled with a laugh.

‘It’s wild — it’s just a free-for-all, really.’

This year, the bar will open bright and early at 6 a.m. for the St. Patrick’s Day Parade’s Grand Marshall’s breakfast, and while there’ll be no prank-playing, there certainly won’t be a shortage of merriment.

Bartender Killian Coleman, 31, will be pouring pints on the day and says the Paddy’s Day atmosphere is always outstanding.

Meanwhile, Wilson says festivities have become more family-friendly in recent years, meaning bawdy behavior is unlikely.

A brush with an infamous Irishman

Melissa Couzens has been working at the Dead Rabbit in FiDi since it opened its doors back in 2013 and says it’s the connections she’s made with customers that keep her pulling pints there.

The veteran bartender, 41, told The Post that her wildest Paddy’s Day story involves superstar singer-songwriter Hozier, who is known as one of Ireland’s biggest exports.

“His birthday is on St. Patrick’s Day, which is kind of a crazy coincidence,” Couzens said of the “Take Me to Church” crooner. “He chose to celebrate at the Dead Rabbit.”

“We had it in our private space and he was lovely, and it was just an amazing, amazing experience for us,” she enthused.

Celebrities aren’t necessarily a rarity at the uber-popular Irish bar, but Couzens claims the crowd on St. Patrick’s Day comes from all walks of life.

“We have tons of ethnically Irish people, whether they’re visiting or they live in New York, and we also have tons of FDNY who usually have Irish ancestry, and then we have our Wall Street crowd,” she explained. “It’s kind of a crazy mix, but everyone has a great time because we have, like, Irish music from morning until night.”

To make sure nobody goes thirsty, the bar has ordered 100 kegs of Guinness — an ale that’s exploded in popularity across the US over the past year.

And for those in New York City without any plans this coming Monday, Couzens implores you to head to your nearest Irish bar for a drink.

“Irish bars are different than a sports bar or a run-of-the-mill bar because everyone feels at home,” she explained. “Whether you’re a tourist or a regular, we try to make everyone feel connected.”

Jeff Stevens